For Fucks Sake… 27 August, 2007
Posted by disinform in Bollocks.add a comment
I cannot believe I am giving this another go with the intention to actually start writing again… I am an optimistic and forgetful fool of the highest caliber, it seems.
I have recently returned from The “The Edinburgh Fringe” Fringe, in Edinburgh. This was good and I did enjoy it so.
On the return trip I found myself on Virgin’s Most Disorganised Train. This had not been advertised on my ticket and so came as quite a pleasant surprise. I had bought a book for the journey but found myself more entertained by the surrounding disorder. Initially the issue was with the fact that the train was “over-booked”. This meant that only those who had explicitly reserved seats would be allowed them. Virgin, as ever the pinnacle of public relations, decided the best way to get this sorted out would be to have a member of staff walking through the carriages bellowing angrily for people to stand up if they didn’t have a reserved seat. When this failed to work tickets were inspected, meticulously – those who had not stepped forward of their own accord at this point were slowly paraded out of the carriage to the sound of tutting and “Big Girl (You Are Beautiful)” by Mika, that some cock-end had playing on his mobile phone for the entire duration of the journey (we have indeed regressed as a society – headphones seem to have died out with the walkman). I have since found out that Virgin Trains’ motto seems to be “Love Every Second” – I think they’re taking the piss.
After upsetting the passengers for a bit, and forcing a few old women to stand up for the 285 mile trip, the Train Hostess then visibly seemed to crumble under the pressure of it all and stalked away to have a good cry. Awwww.
Eventually things began to settle down and we were informed by the tannoy that the buffet was now open in the first carriage. We were also informed that the buffet didn’t have any change, for no explained reason, and so if anyone had any 10ps or something it’d be appreciated if they would come forward – this is the actual request made…
Fortunately by the time I pulled in to Piccadilly Station things had just about settled down. The buffet had seemingly gone very well – it was only open for about 20 minutes and so I can only assume that everything was sold, although I admit it seems likely that they had simply forgotten to bring any food to sell.
As I hopped through the swishing doors and minded the gap I also found myself thinking how great it was that I lived in a country with such strict gun control laws. Because, lets face it, that fucker with the phone would have gone down in pretty short order, other wise.
Actually I wish someone had shot him. That would have been truly beautiful.
NOKIA’s RACIST PHONE 4 June, 2007
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Telecommunications giant NOKIA have come up with a new phone that they claim is “cool”, “hip” and “trendy”. But there is no point in the advertising spiel where they acknowledge that their new phone is actually RACIST. But it is.
The NOKIA R-Phone (pictured above) is made by a group of enslaved orphans who are raped nightly and contains DNA fragments obtained (illegally) from Oswald “rivers of blood” Mosley. The phone retails at just £59.99 and is available from all its stockists.
If you see this phone do not approach it. It should be considered armed and extremely dangerous, and has a lions mouth grafted to its underside which will bite your hands and such. If the phone rings DO NOT EVER ANSWER IT! It will not be for you, anyway.
I would like to make clear that this phone is unique and the rest of NOKIAs line is above reproach – they even have one which contains The Holy Spirit – but this one of theirs is bad.
While writing this my eyes started bleeding.
Pass The Beef! 31 October, 2006
Posted by disinform in Bollocks.add a comment
How many times have you been in a restaurant and seen someone eating some beef (be that beef steak or roast) and just wanted to stand up and shout “Give me your fucking beef, you fucking beef hog!!”? Twice? Three times? More than that?
You’re weird then.
I have never felt such a thing but I’ll tell you something I have done something a bit weird and here’s the full story of what happened when I did something weird:
It was the winter of 1998 and I was a young and foolhardy student of that certain age and I found myself in a bar of indistinguished proportions, drinking a beer. I looked up at the clock that hung vigorously from the wall thing and a sudden urge struck me. It wasn’t a particularly strong urge – trust me I’ve had stronger – but it was one that I was on the particular whim to act upon.
With great force I jumped on a bar stool and, in this quiet and lonely bar, began singing “Uptown Girl” by Billy F. Joel.
I’m going to stop here because this is just not going anywhere.
Hey, kids, stay off drugs!
I Can’t Fucking Wait 17 October, 2006
Posted by disinform in Cool Stuff.add a comment
Seriously. This film is going to be so cool. I’ve already got my tickets. Get yours now, before I buy them too.
EDIT: Shit. They changed the title.
Job Lot: Episode 1 16 October, 2006
Posted by disinform in Bollocks.add a comment
Job and Lot are both biblical characters who find themselves having to make their way in the modern world. As well as having to deal with the everyday problems of modern society Job is constantly harangued by God while Lot is burdened with caring for his disabled wife who is composed entirely of salt.
Scene 1 – Job’s Kitchen
Job: Oh, God! Will you stop switching the toaster off! I’m not going to curse you.
Lot enters looking distraught.
Lot: You will not believe the day I’ve had!
Job: Hi, Lot.
laughter from audience
Lot: Yeah, hi.
more laughter – louder than before.
Lot: I had an interview for a position as a pharmacist, and it wasn’t until about halfway through that I realised it wasn’t the same as being a farmer. I was laughed out of the office!
Job: I’ll take that story with a pinch of salt.
Lot: That’s my wife!
audience explodes
ITV2, it’s yours for a tenner and a kiss.
Evolution 14 October, 2006
Posted by disinform in Science.add a comment
Charles Darwin was an excitable man who, for most of his life, was afflicted with a beard of such violent ferocity it often caused him issues in both his personal and professional life. There are several documented occasions in which his beard caused upset and concern but many of these incidents have been glossed over by historians due to their nonsensical nature.
Darwin was born in Hampshire in 1793 and spent his formative years working in the mines and workhouses due to the tragic deaths of all three of his parents in an accident that was described in the Telegraph newspaper as “Mostly horrific”. At the age of seven, though, Darwin was hand picked by a travelling business man who arranged for Darwin to be raised as his own child – giving him the best education money could conceive. Darwin took to this like a fish to water and by the age of 16 was regarded as “very good” by almost all of his tutors. One of his teachers, a Mr Derek Francis, had this to say of the young Darwin:
“Charles is a most magnificent child. At the tender and juicy age of 11 he has mastered knowledge that still evades myself. The boy might do very well in his life. The beard is a bit disturbing though, I don’t think it’s right.”
At 24, on a holiday in the Galapagos Islands, disaster struck. Darwin lost complete control over his beard which began viciously attacking the birds of the area. These very same birds became entangled and entwined within his rough wiry hairs and soon died of bird-stress. It was years before Darwin managed to remove them all and as the final avian skull fell from his face he discovered that evolution was how humans “got made”.
And so evolution was born.
Halifax Mangles English 14 September, 2006
Posted by disinform in The World.2 comments
Possibly the worse explanatory paragraph ever written, courtesy of The Halifax:
“Also, with effect from 16th October 2006, we will be reducing the time before we start paying interest on the cheques you pay into your account by one day. This means that if you pay a cheque into your account at one of our cash dispensers (before 8.30am if it is one of our Scottish cash dispensers) we will pay interest on it from the day after the second bank working day after we get it (including the day we get it). For example, if we receive a cheque on a Tuesday we will pay interest on it from the Thursday.”
Lazy? Me? 11 September, 2006
Posted by disinform in Photoshoppery.add a comment
Not particularly funny. Not particularly pithy. But true.
And in the end isn’t truth the real son of God? Get stuffed, Jesus, you pretender. Truth is king of all the Jews!
As a side note I am on the first page of Google for the phrase “stop motion photography of cats”. Don’t believe me? Well fuck you then.
